The term ‘self care’ has enjoyed the spot light since the wellness trend exploded five years ago, but has the term ‘self care’ become a justification for self-indulgence? No, not according to its true meaning, but what does self care really mean in 2020?

In its truest form, self care is essential to staying sane. Sadly though, self-care has become a justification for materialistic whims that don’t provide any lasting boost to our health or wellbeing, and may even worsen them.

Self care doesn’t mean life is ‘all about me.’

What’s the difference between self care and self absorption?

True self care, under the wellness umbrella, needs to have substance and actuate a meaningful mental or physical wellbeing result. Going to yoga, taking five minutes to breathe or meditate before bed or going for a walk all create an obvious outcome thanks to physiological processes underpinning these activities. 

For a busy Mum of two who hires a babysitter every Wednesday so she can go to Pilates helps her pelvic floor recover, while giving her an hour of ‘adult time.’ It provides objective physical and mental outcomes.

In general, most true self-care activities are proactive, rather than passive.

Self absorption disguised as self care creates a focus on indulgence and hedonism, rather than offering a true wellbeing outcome. Claiming your newest purchases of French champagne and a new dress are ‘self care’ is more than a far reach. 

The search to ‘live well’ has led to many people getting distracted by hedonism that have somehow ended up under the wellness umbrella. 

Too much focus on ourselves leads to discontent

It’s not news that pursuing a life of “feeling good” or hedonism leads to a sense of meaninglessness. Anyone who’s ever been hungover after drinking champagne knows what I mean. Chasing that ‘good feeling’ is an empty pursuit. Do these things if you like: Drink the champagne! But don’t confuse it with ‘self care.’

Positive psychologists agree, they’re well-known for saying having a “good time” in the present moment doesn’t create a life filled with well-being. In fact, they agree factors that positively influence well-being range from finding a sense of purpose and meaning right through the practising the act of altruism and development.

So if yoga and massages are forms of self care, but so are other things like self-development, what is self care?

The real meaning of self care

What do you consider self care? Is it a massage, a bath or a luxurious walk on the beach? If it is, you’re not alone. These things are absolutely included as self care as they feel gorgeous and make you spend valuable time on yourself, but there’s more to effective self care. 

The goal of self care is to boost your health and well being, so not every self care strategy feels great in the moment.

Dr Libby, PhD Biochemist and Wellness pro says it well:

“Sometimes self-care is uncomfortable, sometimes it’s:

- Speaking up when you are worried about what others might think of you.

- Having a tricky conversation with someone you care about.

- Making the effort to prepare nutritious food for yourself, even though you’d rather sit on the couch.

- Getting up from your desk, even when you don’t have the time.”

These things aren’t delicious and decadent at all! In fact, they don't feel good at the time, especially the tricky conversations. If you're not so sure self care involves difficult situations like the one above, think of it as self-compassion. 

Emma Seppala, Ph.D and Science Director, Stanford Center For Compassion And Altruism Research And Education agrees:

“Taking it easy on yourself may be appropriate in some situations, but in times of over-indulgence and laziness, self-compassion involves toughening up and taking responsibility.”

We need to focus on others when it comes to self care too

So self care isn’t actually about making ourselves feel good, it’s about boosting health and well being, and science says helping other is an effective way to do that. 

Real self care ideas, such as fixing a relationship with a loved one, leaves you both feeling good! It helps both of you! So why not try it, then have a bubble bath afterwards?

Sarah Wilson, known for her recent diversion from her health food business I Quit Sugar, agrees we need to broaden our scope when considering wellness. Wilson told Meg Mason in Elle Australia: 

“I don’t think the focus should be ourselves and our ego and a bottomless desire for more. It should be our contribution. We have a generation of women focused on their gut health and green smoothies rather than humanity.” -Sarah Wilson

I’m not saying you need to stop drinking your green smoothies, trust me, they’re amazing! But I do think we need to understand what’s self care and when we might need to think of people other than ourselves when it comes to wellness. This means fixing a relationship could be a valuable self care effort for you.

How do we balance self indulgence and self care effectively?

It’s all about self awareness. 

1. Abolishing terms like ‘I deserve’ or ‘I’m entitled’ from Your vocabulary is a good start.

After all, the notion of people getting what they deserve is a dangerous one. While you may hope the guy who hip and shoulders you on the footpath steps in gum, it’s more troubling when considering those battling with life’s hardships. Thinking about ‘what you deserve’ is the kindling for discontent and self absorption. This is the opposite of ‘living well,’ and the polar opposite of self care’s goal.

2. Being aware of what genuinely boosts your mental and physical health helps you avoid justifying enjoyment with the label of self care.

There are cross overs of course, like going for a massage, but generally focusing on proactive self care is more useful than passive activities.

3. Weigh up your ‘buckets’ of self care vs. self indulgence.

If your self indulgent bucket is far heavier than your true self care wellness bucket, you may have veered off the wellness path and into the ‘it’s all about me’ road.

So no. Self care isn’t selfish when it’s done right. 

What do you do for self care?